I wonder if thats why?
So, I've had a few people complaining that I have been really negative in general. I get angry about stupid little things. I know Aaron was concerned, as well as my parents. I still keep my stand on my blog, that my blog is not as negative as one or two people have said. They are just choosing to pick out the negativity, and focus on that. But, I have admitted to Aaron that I am alot more angry than I used to be. I used to think it is because my roommate is really negative and it was a bad influence on me. Her blog is constantly angry about someone or something, and in person she was constantly mad at someone for something they had done, etc. Sometimes it was me, sometimes it wasn't.
Anyways, I thought about it a little and was talking to Aaron this morning. I realized that the way I was raised was to deal with an issue when it arose, whether talking, discussing, arguing, whatever. When there is an issue that was bothering me, we talked it out, so I never really held anger in. I started to with my mom because we would get into fights, and I couldn't win, so i just gave up mostly. Every now and then I'd try, because arguing didn't really get any consequences, besides almost crashing. That was how I was raised. I have always dealt with the issues that bothered me, even with my bosses. It was better then being angry and hiding it, and stuffing it down until I was just unhappy.
So, this morning I realized that with Jackie, thats what was happening. She would get angry about things, and write nasty notes to me, or say hateful things about me, etc. I let the little things go, like I always have, at first. Eventually, something would be a bit too much for me. I would write her a nice note letting her know that I was bothered by something. Her comeback was always a hateful comeback, with the option that I "could move out" if I didn't like it. She mad the decisions without any thought to anyone but herself, and then if I tried to respond, I felt that I wasn't welcome here, and she might kick me out.
So, what did I do in response? I started pretending that it didn't bother me. I would be steaming about something and I would just ignore her. She would make up some random, unfounded rule, and I would just follow the rule, and inside be fuming. I guess thats what its like for those "males" that bottle up their anger, etc. So, now that she has given me 30 days notice, there isn't really the threat of kicking me out to hang over me. The worst that she can do is be mad at me, which won't bother me in the slightest since I have spent so much time being mad at her and having nothing I can do.
She can do childish things, such as play her music loudly when I want to sleep, but then I can do the same right back at her. If I don't want her to touch my expensive things because of the recklessness she showed with the truck, she can not allow me to use her silverware, which doesn't matter, because I will just buy my own. So, now its just this neither of us caring about what the other is feeling, because theres no trust. It really sucks that she had to lie about something like that, because now I don't trust her with anything.
I can't remember every lying to her about anything. If Aaron stayed the night more than 3 nights, I explained to her after the 4th what the reason was, such as his truck was broken and he needed my car (not that she cared). I feel bad for people like steph, who don't really know what she's like, and in turn will have to put up with the same thing as me sometime down the road. I kinda wish I had gotten some kind of warning, but steph already knows how she is treating me, and apparently just hopes it won't happen to her.
Anyways, the whole point is that I have figured out why I was angry all the time (I think). Now, I can prevent that by letting it out when I am angry at her. So, this morning when she moved my stereo without talking to me, and its an expensive stereo, I messaged her when I got home, asking her not to touch my things because I honestly don't trust her not to damage it, and if she did damage it, I can't trust that she will tell me or fix it. Thats where the "I'm not allowed to use the silverware" comes in. Its her way of getting back at me. (oh, that hurts. :P)
Either way, since she has made my life a living hell on and off for the past several months, without any regard for how I felt or what I wanted, I don't feel any need to have any regard for how she feels, or what she wants. Everything I own, besides my car and food, is locked in my room. Without breaking the lock, she can't do anything to me, just little passive aggressive crap, that doesn't even bother me. :P
Anyways, so enough of that. I probably won't blog much about Jackie anymore, because theres nothing she can do to me, and I just will do what I want/need to do, so, theres nothing to talk about, and I can guarentee that we won't be "chatting" it up before I leave. So, the rest of my blog will be mostly positive, because I"m pretty sure more than half of the negative stuff related to her.
Positive note 1. I'm working 7 shifts this week (or was scheduled for that many). I was really tired this morning because I was up early, went to go to bed, couldn't sleep, went to work and then didn't have to because it was raining, so I went home to take a nap. I couldn't take a nap because it was too loud in the house, but i'll just sleep later. My only full day off is Thursday. I had last night off, because I worked the dayshift, but that was pretty cool to have a night off. I made $100 Monday night and $50 tuesday daytime. Recently I haven't been making nearly that much, so its getting better.
Positive note 2. I got accepted to the OTHER apartment complex that I applied to. Basically, whatever job I get will determine what place I live in. I would rather stay in Alpine apartments, but because they are so expensive, I don't know that I can afford them. I really hope I can. They are in a nicer neighborhood and have a gated community, etc. So, thats my plan, if I can afford it, but it is nice to know that if I can't afford it, I have another place to fall back on. I did apply for that job at Alpine. Its a leasing consultant, same kinda of thing that the girl whose trying to get me to rent there does.
Positive note 3. I got a phone call the other day from a staffing agency. They saw my resume on Anchorage Daily News and apparently really liked it. They said if I hadn't found a job by the time I got to Anchorage, they would find me an Admin job right away. Thats good news. If someone liked my Resume so much that they would call me long distance to try to find me a job, then hopefully i can get a good job no matter what. :D
Positive note 4. Aaron's stuch a sweetheart, still. We have been getting really bored though, because there is not much to do. We mostly just watch alot of Movies/TV. We rented two DVD's of just shoot me. We haven't finished them yet, but its a really funny show, and I LOVE watching it and cuddling with him. :P He finally got on myspace, and already has 15 friends on there, mostly from texas. He put pictures of his 4-wheeler, snowmachine, truck and the dent in his truck. Even though he SAYS he hates it, he spends quite a bit of time on myspace. LOL!
Positive note 5. I was going to stay with my dad the two weeks after I leave here. I talked to April the other day and she said it may be possible for me to stay with her instead. I would enjoy that more, because i would get to spend time with the kids and her and amin alot, and i would be really close to Aaron's house, and I wouldn't have to worry about my brother stopping by. Its only two weeks and then I'm off to anchorage! (I can't wait!!)
Positive note 6. I messaged Travis yesterday and had asked when he's going to be back, because I wanted to see him before I left for anchorage. Turns out he will be here before I leave AND he will be going to anchorage in the beginning of september, so he said we can hang out then too. I'm really excited about seeing him and Caleb and Aaron (those are his other two friends who came in the coffee shop). I can't wait till he gets here.
Positive note 7. Golden days starts today, the parade is probably saturday, and I don't work until the nighttime on saturday, so I want to go to that. The Fair is almost here, and I can't wait for that either. I'm glad mostly because Aaron and I have been getting bored with nothing to do, but if the fairs in town, and Golden Days, etc, then we will have tons to do! I cannot spend alot of money, so I might just buy a season pass for the fair, and not really eat there or ride rides, unless someone else pays, or I may not buy a season pass at all, and I may just go once or twice.
Positive note 8. Almost a month until I leave! I can't wait until I am in Anchorage. I hate this waiting! I am going to try to pay my dad back before I leave, if I can. I can't wait to mee his family, and both his parents said they couldn't wait to meet me. :D
So, in summary, I believe that was 8 positive notes and 1 (long) negative one. There are so many happy things going on in my life, mostly moving to Anchorage, and they've been covered up by this anger I've been keeping inside all the time. I'm finally able to let that anger out, so I can relish in the happy things!
Anyways, I thought about it a little and was talking to Aaron this morning. I realized that the way I was raised was to deal with an issue when it arose, whether talking, discussing, arguing, whatever. When there is an issue that was bothering me, we talked it out, so I never really held anger in. I started to with my mom because we would get into fights, and I couldn't win, so i just gave up mostly. Every now and then I'd try, because arguing didn't really get any consequences, besides almost crashing. That was how I was raised. I have always dealt with the issues that bothered me, even with my bosses. It was better then being angry and hiding it, and stuffing it down until I was just unhappy.
So, this morning I realized that with Jackie, thats what was happening. She would get angry about things, and write nasty notes to me, or say hateful things about me, etc. I let the little things go, like I always have, at first. Eventually, something would be a bit too much for me. I would write her a nice note letting her know that I was bothered by something. Her comeback was always a hateful comeback, with the option that I "could move out" if I didn't like it. She mad the decisions without any thought to anyone but herself, and then if I tried to respond, I felt that I wasn't welcome here, and she might kick me out.
So, what did I do in response? I started pretending that it didn't bother me. I would be steaming about something and I would just ignore her. She would make up some random, unfounded rule, and I would just follow the rule, and inside be fuming. I guess thats what its like for those "males" that bottle up their anger, etc. So, now that she has given me 30 days notice, there isn't really the threat of kicking me out to hang over me. The worst that she can do is be mad at me, which won't bother me in the slightest since I have spent so much time being mad at her and having nothing I can do.
She can do childish things, such as play her music loudly when I want to sleep, but then I can do the same right back at her. If I don't want her to touch my expensive things because of the recklessness she showed with the truck, she can not allow me to use her silverware, which doesn't matter, because I will just buy my own. So, now its just this neither of us caring about what the other is feeling, because theres no trust. It really sucks that she had to lie about something like that, because now I don't trust her with anything.
I can't remember every lying to her about anything. If Aaron stayed the night more than 3 nights, I explained to her after the 4th what the reason was, such as his truck was broken and he needed my car (not that she cared). I feel bad for people like steph, who don't really know what she's like, and in turn will have to put up with the same thing as me sometime down the road. I kinda wish I had gotten some kind of warning, but steph already knows how she is treating me, and apparently just hopes it won't happen to her.
Anyways, the whole point is that I have figured out why I was angry all the time (I think). Now, I can prevent that by letting it out when I am angry at her. So, this morning when she moved my stereo without talking to me, and its an expensive stereo, I messaged her when I got home, asking her not to touch my things because I honestly don't trust her not to damage it, and if she did damage it, I can't trust that she will tell me or fix it. Thats where the "I'm not allowed to use the silverware" comes in. Its her way of getting back at me. (oh, that hurts. :P)
Either way, since she has made my life a living hell on and off for the past several months, without any regard for how I felt or what I wanted, I don't feel any need to have any regard for how she feels, or what she wants. Everything I own, besides my car and food, is locked in my room. Without breaking the lock, she can't do anything to me, just little passive aggressive crap, that doesn't even bother me. :P
Anyways, so enough of that. I probably won't blog much about Jackie anymore, because theres nothing she can do to me, and I just will do what I want/need to do, so, theres nothing to talk about, and I can guarentee that we won't be "chatting" it up before I leave. So, the rest of my blog will be mostly positive, because I"m pretty sure more than half of the negative stuff related to her.
Positive note 1. I'm working 7 shifts this week (or was scheduled for that many). I was really tired this morning because I was up early, went to go to bed, couldn't sleep, went to work and then didn't have to because it was raining, so I went home to take a nap. I couldn't take a nap because it was too loud in the house, but i'll just sleep later. My only full day off is Thursday. I had last night off, because I worked the dayshift, but that was pretty cool to have a night off. I made $100 Monday night and $50 tuesday daytime. Recently I haven't been making nearly that much, so its getting better.
Positive note 2. I got accepted to the OTHER apartment complex that I applied to. Basically, whatever job I get will determine what place I live in. I would rather stay in Alpine apartments, but because they are so expensive, I don't know that I can afford them. I really hope I can. They are in a nicer neighborhood and have a gated community, etc. So, thats my plan, if I can afford it, but it is nice to know that if I can't afford it, I have another place to fall back on. I did apply for that job at Alpine. Its a leasing consultant, same kinda of thing that the girl whose trying to get me to rent there does.
Positive note 3. I got a phone call the other day from a staffing agency. They saw my resume on Anchorage Daily News and apparently really liked it. They said if I hadn't found a job by the time I got to Anchorage, they would find me an Admin job right away. Thats good news. If someone liked my Resume so much that they would call me long distance to try to find me a job, then hopefully i can get a good job no matter what. :D
Positive note 4. Aaron's stuch a sweetheart, still. We have been getting really bored though, because there is not much to do. We mostly just watch alot of Movies/TV. We rented two DVD's of just shoot me. We haven't finished them yet, but its a really funny show, and I LOVE watching it and cuddling with him. :P He finally got on myspace, and already has 15 friends on there, mostly from texas. He put pictures of his 4-wheeler, snowmachine, truck and the dent in his truck. Even though he SAYS he hates it, he spends quite a bit of time on myspace. LOL!
Positive note 5. I was going to stay with my dad the two weeks after I leave here. I talked to April the other day and she said it may be possible for me to stay with her instead. I would enjoy that more, because i would get to spend time with the kids and her and amin alot, and i would be really close to Aaron's house, and I wouldn't have to worry about my brother stopping by. Its only two weeks and then I'm off to anchorage! (I can't wait!!)
Positive note 6. I messaged Travis yesterday and had asked when he's going to be back, because I wanted to see him before I left for anchorage. Turns out he will be here before I leave AND he will be going to anchorage in the beginning of september, so he said we can hang out then too. I'm really excited about seeing him and Caleb and Aaron (those are his other two friends who came in the coffee shop). I can't wait till he gets here.
Positive note 7. Golden days starts today, the parade is probably saturday, and I don't work until the nighttime on saturday, so I want to go to that. The Fair is almost here, and I can't wait for that either. I'm glad mostly because Aaron and I have been getting bored with nothing to do, but if the fairs in town, and Golden Days, etc, then we will have tons to do! I cannot spend alot of money, so I might just buy a season pass for the fair, and not really eat there or ride rides, unless someone else pays, or I may not buy a season pass at all, and I may just go once or twice.
Positive note 8. Almost a month until I leave! I can't wait until I am in Anchorage. I hate this waiting! I am going to try to pay my dad back before I leave, if I can. I can't wait to mee his family, and both his parents said they couldn't wait to meet me. :D
So, in summary, I believe that was 8 positive notes and 1 (long) negative one. There are so many happy things going on in my life, mostly moving to Anchorage, and they've been covered up by this anger I've been keeping inside all the time. I'm finally able to let that anger out, so I can relish in the happy things!
posted by Evelyna @ 1:34 PM
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